I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
