This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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