You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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