I'm going to jail i love you
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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