I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
