The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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