i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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