just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
