I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i've created a new STD.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
