I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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