so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
