There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
