piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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