So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
