I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
