remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
