I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
