my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
