if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
