That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Someone shit on the floor
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
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Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I am mentally ready for anal.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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