Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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