I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
