if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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