if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
