birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
