Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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