standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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