sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
