so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
