I could make wine with my vomit
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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