Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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