matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
