I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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