Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
