stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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