Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
