i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
