his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
