My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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