dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
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