I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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