Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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