Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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