If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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