I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
