We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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