Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
