every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
