i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
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so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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