So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
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He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
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I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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