please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
