I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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