The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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