I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
