I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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