Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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